Is Marriage an Unseen Trap?

I’ve been toying with the idea of putting pen to paper (or rather, fingers to keyboard) about my experiences with the institution of marriage for a while now.

Here in India, where traditions are not just cultural markers but life-defining structures, marriage holds an almost sacred status.

When are you getting married?

• every other relative

But over the years, as I navigated through my own journey of matrimony, I’ve begun to see it less as a union of two souls and more as a trap, albeit a gilded one.

I Wish I have Listened to Osho

Osho has an interesting yet practical approach to marriage. I want you to listen to it yourself to get the right meaning out of it.

I come from a middle-class family in a small town, where the aroma of filter coffee in the morning is as much a ritual as the evening stroll in the nature. My life was simple, my ambitions clear.

I wanted to build a career in IT, travel the world, and perhaps, live a life unencumbered by the weight of traditional expectations.

However, like many, I had to get married, not because of a lack of love, but because that’s what one does in my culture.

While most marriages end up good, some of them take tragic turns like the one here,

Goals Take a Hit

When I got married, my goals seemed like they were on a collision course with my new reality. Here’s how:

• Career Aspirations: Before marriage, my career was my priority. I worked late hours, took on additional certifications, and even considered an international transfer. Post-marriage, the dynamics changed.

Suddenly, decisions weren’t just mine to make. I wanted to relocate to Gujarat. My spouse wasn’t willing to move, citing family and friends. My career took a backseat to “family life.”

• Financial Goals: I had always been frugal, saving every rupee for travel and investments. Marriage introduced a new budget partner. Expenses doubled, and my savings took a hit. There were new considerations - a bigger house, furniture, household appliances, and eventually, expenses for kids. My minimalist lifestyle was challenged daily.

• Personal Development: Time for personal growth, learning new skills, or even indulging in hobbies like photography and reading was curtailed. Family time became sacred, and while it’s precious, the balance was hard to maintain. The freedom to pursue personal interests without guilt or scheduling conflicts vanished.

The Invisible Chains

• Time: Before marriage, my time was my own. Post-marriage, every minute was accounted for. Family gatherings, social obligations, and the simple act of being there for my spouse took precedence.

Evenings that were once spent coding or exploring the city were now reserved for family dinners or Netflix shows chosen by consensus.

• Freedom: The freedom to decide on the spur of the moment was gone. Want to go on a solo trek in the Himalayas? Now it’s a discussion, a compromise, or simply not happening.

The freedom to eat out or sleep in was replaced by a schedule that had to accommodate another’s preferences and needs.

The Loss of Individuality

• Eating Habits: My diet was once my own. I loved experimenting with food, trying a clean and minimal food, I never used to eat out. I can eat the same dish everyday for a year and it doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t cook non-vegetarian if I’m just cooking for myself.

Marriage brought a new dietary regimen. My wife likes to order food pretty often. She can’t eat the same thing everyday. My wife likes non-veg at least once a week.

• Social Life: My friends circle was vast, but post-marriage, it shrunk. Socializing now meant joint invitations, or worse, explaining why I needed a night out with the boys.

The freedom to meet friends without prior planning or justification was a luxury of the past.

The Emotional Toll

• Compromise: Marriage, I learned, is about compromise. But what if one feels like they’re the only one compromising?

Over time, this one-sided adjustment can lead to resentment. I found myself giving up on things I loved because they didn’t fit into the ‘married life’ mold.

• Identity: There’s a subtle shift in identity. You’re no longer just you; you’re part of a unit. This can be comforting, but it can also feel like you’re losing parts of yourself.

The hobbies, the spontaneous trips, the carefree decisions - they become collective decisions, and often, they’re the first to be sacrificed.

The Financial Aspect

• Sharing: A earning spouse if good because they often share the expenses. We do the same. We share our expenses equally.

• Investing: I’m kind of a gig worker where I get huge sum of money in a month and almost nothing on the next. In such instabilities, my wife’s earning has helped me keep on investing without worrying about the times when I don’t have money to manage expenses.

Reconsidering the Trap

However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Here are some nuances:

• Love and Companionship: Despite the constraints, the companionship marriage offers can be profound. There’s someone to share your highs and lows with, someone who understands you in ways others might not.

• Personal Growth: Marriage can push you to grow in ways you might not have alone. It teaches patience, compromise, and the art of living with another person’s quirks.

• Family Life: For those who crave a family, marriage provides the structure to build that. The joy of raising children, the laughter, the shared experiences - these are the counterpoints to the trap narrative.

Is There an Escape?

Can one escape this trap? Perhaps not entirely, but here are some thoughts:

• Communication: Open, honest communication can mitigate many issues. Discussing expectations, dreams, and even individual needs can lead to a balanced life.

• Individual Space: Ensuring each partner has their own space, both literally and metaphorically, can maintain individuality. It’s okay to have separate hobbies or even vacations.

• Redefine Marriage: Maybe, just maybe, we can redefine what marriage means. It doesn’t have to be about losing oneself but about finding a new self within a partnership.

In closing, while marriage indeed can feel like a trap, with its demands on time, freedom, and personal goals, it’s also a complex dance of compromise, growth, and companionship.

For me, it’s been a journey of understanding, adjusting, and sometimes, accepting that some parts of my old life had to be left behind.

But in this trap, there’s also a cage of love, where two hearts learn to beat in unison, creating a life together, even if it’s not always on one’s own terms.

Would I do it again, knowing what I know? That’s a question for another blog, another day. For now, I’ll savor the good, navigate the challenging, and keep seeking that balance between freedom and commitment in this intricate dance called marriage.